How to win friends and influence Amazon

So apparently you can get 5% off whatever you want at Amazon.com by following this procedure:

1. Log in to your amazon account.

2. Take a look at your “quick picks”. Access these by clicking on the gold box at the top of every page, then scroll down a bit.

3. That’s your target. You’re going to force Amazon to give you quick picks of something you want to buy.

4. So, click on “recommendations” at the top of every page.

5. Click on “items you own” at the top of the list, and clear off everything unrelated to what you want (Just check “Don’t use for recommendations” for each)

6. Go back to the main recommendations page, and, for items unrelated to what you want, click on the “fix this” links next to each item.

7. Now, search amazon for what you actually want to buy. Then do one or more of the following: Add it to your wishlist; add it to your cart; check the “I own it” box; write a review of the item or a similar item.

8.  If you had sufficiently cleared off your previous recommendations, then the next day’s quick picks should have a discount offer for that thing you wanted to buy, or at least something similar.

I did that thing

Instead of a review, and because my better reviews seem to get deleted, I wrote an Amazon “So you’d like to…” guide, called “So you’d like to figure out how to do that thing.“

It’s very useful if you ever wanted to get started on doing that thing.

So you’d like to…Figure Out How to Do That Thing
A guide by Noni (Seattle, WA USA)

Congratulations on deciding to do this thing! First thing’s first. I assume you’ve already got one of these here spatulas OXO Good Grips Flexible Spatula, because protection is always important. Second, I’m going to need you to put on one of these Sparco Long Reach Stapler in case the thing snaps back into the catch. Now, some people say this is optional, but I’ve found that using some of this Chanel Anti Cernes Quick Cover Roselight in between you fingers is crucial to avoiding splashback.

That covered, let’s get to the procedure. Start out with a tape rewinder Ambico VHS Rewinder and rip out the motor. Keep the other parts for later, except for the tubing which you should attach to the framus on one side and this holster Deluxe Airsoft Tactical Leg Holster on the other. Now, slide the motor into the J-socket of a 402 plumb drive, which you can’t get at Amazon. Then take the whole assembly and put it in a zip-lock or three Ziploc Sandwich Bags – 50 Per Ct, 12 Per Case. Fill the bag with a 2:3 solution of a low-smoke olive oil Bertolli Extra Virgin Olive Oil, Super Value Size, 51-Ounce Bottle and a saturated lactose syrup made from this Lactose Milk Sugar by NOW Foods – (1 lbs). Now set that aside and cross-wire a TO 220 voltage regulator to sump pump of at least 0.1 peak horsepower. You want the bag assembly to sit in a decent-sized bucket Bucket Boss Brand 10002 5-Gallon Bucket.

Important! Don’t degauss the pump clip monitor yet!

Alright, now take a breather and stick the bucket into a subzero freezer. Insert that tubing you kept after it’s just a bit slushy. Now add 12 ounces of baking soda Pure Baking Soda and fill with any sort of mygo liquid base up to about 3 inches from the top. Glue and crimp the tube to the pump clip, degauss it, and drop it in. Back in the freezer it goes, and you’d be best to salt it as well: Sea Salt, 2 lb.

About a week later, remove the assembly and mark four edges with a sharpie Sharpie Ultra Fine Assorted 24 pack. That’s top, bottom, DO and DS in order. In that same order, punch a cylinder about an inch deep Lisle 23500 2″ to 7″ Glaze Breaker Engine Cylinder Hone. Then seal Thermaltake Mobile Fan II External USB Cooling Fan – Us PC fans into each hole and cover with sealant Elastomeric Penetrating Sealant By Rule (6755-6403961) – Clear: Clear – 3 Oz: 3 Oz – Pack: Tube, leaving the USB wires dangling. Now fetch an inverter Virtual Reality Sound Labs Mod Pod Wireless 4 in 1 Power Inverter and FM Transmitter and a battery capable of 18 watts at 8mhz with a fourier transform. Baker Inc sells a nice model for $60.

Alright, well that’s part 1 of the subassembly. See parts 2-8 in their respective guides.

My near-death experience described on Amazon

Yes yes, it’s some sort of other Amazon review of mine.

This time it’s for some sort of battery charger which nearly killed me:

Lenmar PRO-99 NiMH Starter Kit
Other products by Lenmar

4 of 33 people found the following review helpful:

Dangerous and confusing, December 24, 2005

By	Noni (Seattle, WA USA) – See all my reviews

I bought this lovely item months ago and my family and I have had several near-death experiences with it. First of all, I suggest using 4 batteries at a time because there’s a possibility that someone can accidentally touch both terminals when it is on, and they’ll get a little shock. It’s not fatal, but could potentially be fatal if you were allergic to electricity. My wife’s grandfather did this and believed that it was a sign from god, which shows how powerful the buzz is spiritually.

Secondly, the label on the backside can’t be read when it’s plugged in, and I think that’s just bad design. It warns of batteries leaking, and I think if that’s a problem, then they should make the charger waterproof and tell the user to run it above an old tin can or something, but not where the dog can reach it.

I mentioned the charger is confusing because on the label sticker there is a picture of a flame. I do not want the flames of the devil in my house or on my battery chargers, nor any sort of fire. The manufacturers should consider not having flames on the label, or possibly having a picture of Saint Barbara, who helps prevent fire.

Another confusing issue is the fact that there are two “channels” but 6 places to put batteries total (if you include the spots for 9-volt batteries). Furthermore, there’s a switch for nicd and nimh. What does this even mean? The back says it was made in china, so I would appreciate if someone could give me a translation.

Also, I don’t know why it has to be so heavy. With all these gizmos nowdays fitting into things as small as pocket watches, you’d think this would be lighter. I bet they added more weight to this just so that people would pay extra in shipping.

I do like that the electical plug can flip out or fold in. Jesus knows how dangerous a plug is when it’s sticking out and unmonitored. Someone could otherwise step on the plug or get an eye put out, so if you buy this charger, remember to store it with the plug folded inward.

I should also mention that the color selection is rather bad. I know of no person who has a grey and dark grey color combination for their house. I painted mine white and brown in my shop, and others should do the same so it blends into their particular house colors. I gladly would have paid a dollar or two extra if I could have bought it in these colors.

All that said, I rated it 3/5 because it seems to do whatever it was supposed to do with my wife’s batteries, but there’s room for improvement. One possible improvement would be a bell that rings when it’s done. Or it could send an e-mails to this computer, because I forget to check it, but I don’t forget to check my e-mail.

Sometimes I like to review things at Amazon.com…

Here’s my Amazon review, of the Power Rangers Operation Overdrive Mega Mission Helmet

28 of 40 people found the following review helpful:

Not adequate, December 15, 2007

By	Noni (Seattle, WA USA) – See all my reviews

Durability: Fun: Educational:

I bought this helmet for two reasons: disguise and durability. When you’re out there on the streets performing missions, the last thing you want is for bad guys to recognize you. Or, worse, be able to knock you out with their lazers and baseball bats. Well this helmet, surprisingly, protects me from neither of those things.

I put a lot of thought into this helmet before deciding upon it. As a vigilante crime fighter, I believed in the need for a disguise. That way, criminals couldn’t find the real me in the phone book and hurt me in my house, or hurt my cat when I am not in my house (I’d probably be out fighting other criminals). I also believed that the “missions” that are part of this helmet would help me train and fight crime with more creativity. But there are no useful missions. It’s all weird stuff about zords. I have no idea what zords are, but they are no use to me when I’m chasing down jewel thieves or wrestling drug dealers. Maybe someday I’ll meet one of these zords and this training will come to some use, but I doubt it.

Speaking of which, I have no idea what they meant for this helmet to protect me against. It’s just too small, for one, and there’s no way it could withstand the blow from a lead pipe or glass bottle. My enemies often use lead pipes and glass bottles in our battles, but thankfully I’ve never taken a hit directly to this mega helmet.

For that matter, my peripheral vision is just ruined, so I’m often running down into dark alleys while flipping the helmet off and on just to make sure I don’t trip over any hobos. This exposes my face for an instant, and an instant is all a criminal needs to recognize me or fire a sonic blast into my waiting face.

And how do they expect me to fight crime with the shaded visor? Crime happens mostly at night. Night, as you may know, is darker than day. I don’t need a shaded visor at night. What were the Power Ranger Engineers thinking when they designed this thing? Maybe over there in power ranger land they have very bright nighttimes, but not here. No sir.

Then there are the sound effects. Look, guys, I’m guessing that over there in power ranger land criminals are easily shocked and awed when you come at them with all kinds of futuristic sounds. But over here, they just laugh at me. Maybe that’s the point. I don’t know, but at least I can kick them when they are laughing.

Now here’s something else that’s concerning: On the box there’s some small child in what appears to be fighting stance 16B. It also says that this mission helmet is good for 4 years and older. I assume they really mean “4+ years of street-level crime-fighting experience”, not someone’s literal age. Notably this “child” or “small man” on the cover is wearing no other protection and is comically trying to fight crime with only his bare hands (in fighting stance 16B, no less! That’s only good for battling frogmen!). I’m an adult crime fighter and I wear shin guards at least, and also a very thick sweater if it’s cold. Bare hands? Only if you’ve had bioenhancements, such as adamantium reinforcements! If that was true, then why would this child need the protection of a helmet? It just doesn’t make sense at all.

This is just misrepresentation. For that matter, why is this in the “toy” section? Fighting crime is a serious matter, for serious people. Even if you have no intention of using this helmet in your crime-fighting adventures, there’s a danger of being seen as a crime-fighter by criminals simply for wearing the mission helmet.