X-Files Standards and Practices

The following is an in-progress list that Fred, Jay, and I are composing about the X-Files. Eventually, this will be everything you’d need to know about running an X-files investigation if, say, you’re a team of rogue FBI agents that includes a female redhead doctor and a mentally-insane monotoned man with the nickname, “Spooky”.

Rule number 1: Never actually solve cases. Nobody will ever be really convicted and punished in an X-file. If they are, they’ll get out on parole, have a mistrial declared, or even just be killed on the electric chair only to come back in someone else’s body. If some actual form of legal, FBI-like justice about to be served, the sweeping hand of the supernatural will free them. At worst, ignorant judges and lawyers will free them because Mulder will quickly demonstrate that he’s insane and Scully will deny everything.

2. If there are loose ends to be tied, Scully should sit at a computer and type the missing details in the fashion of Doogie Howser, MD, complete with cheesy music:

3. Even though they are well-trained by the FBI and carry real guns, Mulder and Scully cannot hit the broad side of a barn, even from the inside of the barn with the doors closed and really big bullets. If there actually was an episode involving a mysterious barn that they had to kill, they’d probably accidentally shoot each other.

4. Whenever shit’s about to go down, it’s time for Mulder and Scully to split up. This makes perfect sense when you both suck at self-defense, can’t shoot a gun worth crap, and are up against supernatural things in the middle of a foggy, dark night.

5. When the camera sees your family or friends, they’re probably going to die soon. The Evil Syndicate guys hate family and friends and prefer them to die as a way to get to you, as opposed to actually, you know, attacking you.

6. You must only drive an Oldsmobile Cutlass, Ford Taurus, or the closest analogue that the car rental place can provide.

7. No matter how obscure and buried the article is, out of the thousands of newspaper articles published daily in the US, Mulder will be able to find the single one that has a previously-unsuspected supernatural element to it.

8. Mulder’s hunches are never, never ever false. No matter how insane they are. No matter how contrary to science. The only exception to this is when the actual truth is much, much more insane than his initial hunch. For example, instead of a mundane UFO on the bottom of the sea, there’s sentient black oil that can take over people’s bodies.

9. The known guest-actor is the bad guy, or at least the most supernatural person on the show. If it’s a mystery episode, the known guest-actor will be the killer.

10. If something actually happens to Scully that should remove all of her scientific skepticism, that knowledge will soon be forgotten as she gets knocked out, has her memory erased, otherwise somehow ends up hospitalized, or just plain forgets what happened in just the last episode. As a last resort, she’ll maintain that somebody else, such as The Syndicate, wanted her and Mulder to see and believe what they just saw.

More to come later I guess.

TAKE 2

Now that I know what Jay’s camera does and doesn’t do…

Lazy Saturday + Camera = Terror

Someday when one of us runs for a political office, these images will haunt us.

Business 102

Continuing on from here….

Truly this business card will come in handy someday:

This next card is useful for identifying me as not at all being racist. As I understand it, black people are more prone to approve of you when you let them know that other black people have previously met and approved of you.

And now I need a card that professes my serious hammer skills. I have been rated by the American Hammering Association to be a level 9 Hammermaster.

And now some filler cards…

Okay I’m spent on ideas.

Business 101

Every day, someone comes up to me on the street and asks me for a business card. They usually say something like “Hello, might I have your business card?”But because I am in no business, I have no such card. However, in a blinding flash of light it has suddenly occurred to me that I might not actually need to be in business in order to have a card. This flash of idea light was very explicit, and told me that I could even walk around with multiple sort of business cards and nobody would be the wiser.

It also told me that people tend to believe anything if you hand it to them on a card while looking deadly serious. After all, they think, nobody in their right mind would actually commission a fake business card just to be able to hand it to other people while laughing internally.

Haha! They have underestimated me and my ability to persevere in pointless tasks!

First I need a universal sort of business card that just tells people that I’m available for doing business:

The HR stands for nothing, but I’m hoping that it’ll be a subconscious way telling HR departments that I’m the one for their business. More importantly, it just sounds cool. The number 1 is because I’m possibly number 1 or 2, or at least somewhere in the top 10 list of people doing this sort of business. Lastly, the business card creator asked for a website, and I used Google because pretty much everyone loves Google.

Next, I went with a more specific card. The tiny coffee cup, umlauts in my name, super-sized mustache, and PhD in Mustacheology all convey me as being an entirely powerful yet eccentric character. The man is in rustic black and white and looking to the left. His face can be read as either knowing some secret wisdom, or about to effortlessly kill someone who slightly off-frame.

This card has multiple uses, the least of which is if I ever become a door-to-door flag salesman. I also had to use my nickname, Duke, because it’s more American. It’s actually possibly the most patriotic and manly name possible. I also wanted to hint that I’m a house-owning patriot, and that I’m simply not afraid of expressing my patriotism on the fierce anti-American world of the internet.

This is what I call my power card. What could be more business-like than selling money itself? I took a hyphened name as well, that way I could possibly be associated with a rich and powerful family. Besides, hyphened names tells people that I’m too powerful for just one name. Note also that I am a Vice-President. I didn’t want to be too unbelievable here, and that tells people that I’ve got room to grow and thus haven’t lost spine.

Well that’s good enough for now. More cards will be in part 2.

A hairy tale

Once upon a time we had a carpet made of lambs wool. This crappy carpet would shed like a mangy dog while somehow having a magical, everlasting supply of loose hair. In any case, we got rid of the carpet and made sandwiches from the remains thinking that it might somehow taste like lamb chops.

It didn’t…

This is a square meal, even though everything is round. We built it using the food pyramid. I can’t think of any other shape-related food puns.

Click for large view of this healthy, healthy meal

I am very serious about the task set before me.

It’s like a McDonald’s ad, only less gross. I’M LOVIN IT™

Pan fried in black pepper and then covered in a citrus/cilantro cuban mole sauce, this burger is a fine example of affordable elegance. You can just see the pleasure my mouth is experiencing in this photo:

Ah yes. The garnish of staples and dirt. This burger has a surprise in every bite.

Jay just couldn’t wait to get out from behind the camera and experience his wondrous culinary creation.

Jay is fully on his way to Flavor Town. Population: 1.

WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW, JAY???

This much flavor just can’t be contained in your mouth. You don’t own the furburger, you rent it.

Fin.